How to be friends with a transgender person
I've been "out" for about 6 months now, and I've had the opportunity to meet lots of people as my new self. Everyone I have met in person has been nominally supportive and kind, for which I am very grateful. I'm writing this because a good number of people in my life would like to be allies, but don't know the first thing about the trans experience. I hope that this will shed some light on some of the relevant factors in my life.
It has been almost hilarious to hear the kinds of questions that people ask me. I've heard every variation of "Are you going to get THE SURGERY?" from all kinds of people. Usually, people don't really appreciate questions pertaining to the disposition of their genitalia. Also, older men seem to ask this question the most ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. My generation, for the most part, knows to not ask.
I usually feel like there's a degree of awkwardness upon first meeting. This usually dissipates once they realize that I am the same person they knew before. Maybe it clicks that this is what I was all along. Maybe I am clearly freer in emotional and verbal expression.
Once the initial exchange and inevitable questions have been cleared, thus begins the process of adapting to my new name and pronouns. Surprisingly, some people adapt VERY quickly. Others, not so much. A handful of (again) older men that I know still struggle with getting them right. Sometimes people slip up, and that is TOTALLY FINE. All I ask is that effort is being made, and that people don't mis-gender me intentionally. Mis-gendering hurts. I wince every time it happens, and I don't know why, honestly. Back in the day, I couldn't contain a grin if someone (accidentally) gendered me as female. Now, being gendered male feels like a dart of invalidation. Logically, I understand that memory is a read/write process, and it takes a while for people who have known me a long time to rewrite all their memories of me as female. Maybe it hurts because it can feel like they prefer the person they once knew over the person in front of them.
One thing that I wish cis-gendered (aka not-trans) people knew more about is HRT. This is the medical treatment that (most, not all) trans people receive. HRT stands for hormone replacement therapy. It was developed originally for cis people who do not have the ability to produce needed hormones themselves (think menopause), and need a supplemental source. For trans people, this can be a huge step in affirming their true gender. Basically, I feel like I suffered from testosterone poisoning for 30 years, and taking estrogen and anti-androgens just feels right. You would not believe the number of things that hormones effect in the human body. Things like skin texture, body hair distribution, fat distribution, muscle mass, libido and emotional intensity are all regulated by hormones. A good chunk of my dysphoria is addressed by the changes I have experienced through HRT. It's a slow process that won't be "done" for years, but the effects that I've felt so far are almost pure bliss. I will note that not all trans people do HRT, as it's a personal decision affected by the degree and type of dysphoria a person experiences. The trans experience is very much "build your own," hence why asking about "THE SURGERY" is a bit ridiculous.
The other thing that I wish cis people knew about is TERFs. TERFs, or "Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists" are a group of people who identify as feminists, but completely reject the idea that people can change their gender. Along with regular ol' transphobes, these people take it upon themselves to seek out and harass trans folks. Their aim is to use political pressure to push trans people out of the public sphere and label them as horrible perverts (trans women) or misguided abuse victims (trans men). If you've ever seen scare-mongering news articles about trans kids taking hormones, then you've gotten a taste of their strategy. There are a number of them in prominent positions in media, which is really frustrating as a liberal trying to support the free press in the age of Trump. Some of them even exist within the LGBTQ+ community, usually cis lesbians who are horrified about the possibility that a trans lesbian would want to date them (don't worry, we don't want to date TERFs either). As a cis person, your voice in countering these narratives is extremely helpful.
So, what can you do to make me feel accepted and validated? Treat me like anyone else of my gender. The fact that I'm trans is a minor detail about me, not a defining characteristic.
If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I hope it was informative.